A Good Laugh Can Cure--La risa es salud!!!!
Chistes y situaciones riseñas provocan vibraciones en el cuerpo, activan las chacras, hacen vibrar el cuerpo y liberan endorfinas, facilitando la modifición de conductas negativas e incluso neutralizando el castigo de enfermedades....Let’s see!
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"Porque
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Everything is big in Texas, as you no doubt have heard. Well, there was this guy who came into a bar sweating like mad. He takes off his hat, wipes his drenched neck and says to the barman:
"I could down a whole box of beer."
"Sorry, what we have isn’t cold."
"No sweat," says the sweating Texan, "Just want the box to sit on!"
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Un hombre trabajaba en lugar de fast food, elaborando los productos que ahí vendían. Un día llegó a casa con cara de perro y le confesó a su mujer que estaba poseído por una terrible compulsión: un impulso incontrolable de meter su organo sexual en la cortadora de papas. Espantada, la esposa le sugirió que consultara con un Psicólogo.
El marido prometió que lo pensaría, pero continuó repitiéndola y repitiéndola a la esposa lo mismo, hasta que ella, aburrida, un día le dijo: ¡Pues basta, mételo en la cortadora de papas y no fastidies más, es tu problema! Al día siguiente, el marido llegó a casa cabizbajo y profundamente abatido.
- ¿Qué pasó, querido?, le preguntó la mujer, preparándose para lo peor.
- Te acuerdas de mi compulsión de meter el organo sexual en la cortadora de papas?
-- ¡Oh, no - grito la mujer - no me digas que lo hiciste! ¡Sí, lo hice!
- ¿Oh Dios, y qué te pasó?
- Me despidieron por exhibición obscena en área laboral... respondió el marido.
- ¿Y,... como te quedó el organo?, la cortadora de papas te lo lastimó mucho?
- No, para nada, pero a ella también la despidieron.
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A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this."
"What’s the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what’s your problem?"
"I don’t have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Alternative ending:"No problem Doc! She’s your wife!”
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn.”
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Three patients in an insane asylum prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks head to smithereens. Then the second patient jumps and breaks his arms and legs and smashes his face balck and blue. The third patient stares into the empty pool and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations!” says the shrink, “you’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?" To which the third patient answered:
Alternative ending: “because I’m afraid of high places.”
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This isn’t exactly a joke, but what about that famous scene between Hamlet and Ophelia? He makes much ado about ‘nothing’ — which is what a woman has between her legs — and puns oh-so-rudely on ‘country matters’.
HAMLET
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Lying down at OPHELIA’s feet
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, my head upon your lap?
OPHELIA
Ay, my lord.
HAMLET
Do you think I meant country matters?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.
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One day Doctor Charly Hiss went to the mental health hospital to see how one of his patients was doing. The insane patients were all gathered in the hallway. Seeing that a well groomed man was standing alongside another with his hair a mess and his clothes in rags, he walked up to the well dressed man and said:
“Are you the doctor in charge?” The man stared at him as if he hadn’t understood.
“No, I am the doctor…he‘s the patient” said the man in rags.
_______________________________________________________________ “Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?” asked Johnny. “Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.” said his mother. _______________________________________________________________ “Mommy, Mommy! I’d like to play marbles now!” “Keep quiet, you can’t use Grandpa’s glass eye today!”
_______________________________________________________________ “Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?” “Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.”
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Q: What is the definition of an accountant? A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand-
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks:
"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!". ____________________________________________________________________ The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back to his ex-girlfriend together with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
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The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war. During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don’t go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I’ll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "’Bye-bye Daddy."
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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!" _________________________________________________________________
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said:
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied.
"If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!"
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A: Aren’t you wearing y
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities were discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , said, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.."
The second, from Chicago , responded, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, said, "No, I really think
librarians are the best because everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimed in: "You know, I like
automobile workers... Those guys always understand when you
have a few spare parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the
head and the ass are interchangeable."
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Llega a la puerta de la casa de su novia. Tuvo el tino de abrir el Padre de la muchacha.
- ¿Qué desea, joven?
- Pues verá, vengo a hablar con usted.
- Bueno, pues, pase joven, vayamos a la sala y ahí me cuenta de qué quiere hablar conmigo. ¿Y bien?
El joven, muy decidido, respondió:
- Mire usted, vengo a comunicarle que a su hija y a mí nos gustaría compartir nuestras vidas. Nos queremos casar.
El señor sonrió.
- Pues está muy bien eso de que se casen, pero cuénteme, muchacho, ¿ya cuenta con un salario digno para poder sustentar a mi hija y los hijos que vengan?
El joven, con todo el aplomo del mundo, contestó:
- Mire, aunque soy Ingeniero titulado, no gano mucho. Sin embargo, su hija me ha comunicado lo que ganan su distinguida esposa y usted. Por lo cual, confío en tener una pequeña ayuda de ustedes para poder pagar el teléfono, el agua, la luz y el supermercado.
Un poco sorprendido por la respuesta, el padre hizo otra pregunta:
- Bueno, ¿y piensan comprar un apartamento o una casa? ¿O prefieren alquilar...?
El joven, con mirada inocente, contestó:
- Si antes le pedí una pequeña ayuda para poder ir viviendo, hemos pensado que, como esta casa es muy grande y pueden vivir perfectamente dos matrimonios, no es necesario comprar o alquilar apartamento o casa. Deseamos vivir en esta casa con ustedes.
El señor, desconcertado por la actitud del muchacho, continuó con el interrogatorio:
- Dígame algo, ¿tiene automóvil?
El joven, sonriendo, respondió:
- Mire, no tengo coche porque he estado pensando que si usted tiene tres, para qué vamos a comprar uno más. Usted nos deja el que les sobra y así no es necesario adquirir otro.
En ese instante, entró en la sala la madre de la novia, quien, mirando primero al jóven y luego a su esposo, preguntó cordialmente:
- ¿Se puede saber de qué hablan?
El esposo respondió:
- Querida mía, qué bueno que llegas, quiero presentarte al Señor Árbitro, quien pretende ser el futuro marido de nuestra hija.
El joven, desconcertado y molesto, dijo:
- Oiga, ¿por qué me llama Señor Árbitro?
A lo que el presunto suegro contestó:
-Y bueno, grandísimo hijo de puta, ¿cómo demonios quieres que te llame si hasta ahora lo único que vas a poner en esta casa es el pito?
our wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities were discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , said, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.."
The second, from Chicago , responded, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, said, "No, I really think
librarians are the best because everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimed in: "You know, I like
automobile workers... Those guys always understand when you
have a few spare parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the
head and the ass are interchangeable."
______________________________________________
Llega a la puerta de la casa de su novia. Tuvo el tino de abrir el Padre de la muchacha.
- ¿Qué desea, joven?
- Pues verá, vengo a hablar con usted.
- Bueno, pues, pase joven, vayamos a la sala y ahí me cuenta de qué quiere hablar conmigo. ¿Y bien?
El joven, muy decidido, respondió:
- Mire usted, vengo a comunicarle que a su hija y a mí nos gustaría compartir nuestras vidas. Nos queremos casar.
El señor sonrió.
- Pues está muy bien eso de que se casen, pero cuénteme, muchacho, ¿ya cuenta con un salario digno para poder sustentar a mi hija y los hijos que vengan?
El joven, con todo el aplomo del mundo, contestó:
- Mire, aunque soy Ingeniero titulado, no gano mucho. Sin embargo, su hija me ha comunicado lo que ganan su distinguida esposa y usted. Por lo cual, confío en tener una pequeña ayuda de ustedes para poder pagar el teléfono, el agua, la luz y el supermercado.
Un poco sorprendido por la respuesta, el padre hizo otra pregunta:
- Bueno, ¿y piensan comprar un apartamento o una casa? ¿O prefieren alquilar...?
El joven, con mirada inocente, contestó:
- Si antes le pedí una pequeña ayuda para poder ir viviendo, hemos pensado que, como esta casa es muy grande y pueden vivir perfectamente dos matrimonios, no es necesario comprar o alquilar apartamento o casa. Deseamos vivir en esta casa con ustedes.
El señor, desconcertado por la actitud del muchacho, continuó con el interrogatorio:
- Dígame algo, ¿tiene automóvil?
El joven, sonriendo, respondió:
- Mire, no tengo coche porque he estado pensando que si usted tiene tres, para qué vamos a comprar uno más. Usted nos deja el que les sobra y así no es necesario adquirir otro.
En ese instante, entró en la sala la madre de la novia, quien, mirando primero al jóven y luego a su esposo, preguntó cordialmente:
- ¿Se puede saber de qué hablan?
El esposo respondió:
- Querida mía, qué bueno que llegas, quiero presentarte al Señor Árbitro, quien pretende ser el futuro marido de nuestra hija.
El joven, desconcertado y molesto, dijo:
- Oiga, ¿por qué me llama Señor Árbitro?
A lo que el presunto suegro contestó:
-Y bueno, grandísimo hijo de puta, ¿cómo demonios quieres que te llame si hasta ahora lo único que vas a poner en esta casa es el pito?
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